Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”