[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
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Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job