Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

True

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.