watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
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Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”