driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
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the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
cat vs inanimate object
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see