Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

My flabber has been gasted.

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]