Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.