Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.