Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

c’mon!

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

Good news: I set an all time high today!

Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.