[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Brother?
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.