[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
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Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
how to market bottled water to dads
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
why would tinder want me to say this
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud