[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
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triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Sing it!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
She was REALLY feeling it.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
accurate
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”