Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?

“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.