Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
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She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.