Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

shut up and take my money

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.