Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

rip to my favourite tweet

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

THE AUDACITY. 😤

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying