*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
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“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.