Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir