Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.