Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

Thinking of taking Easter decorations down

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter