Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.