Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.