Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*