Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.