Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

I have so many questions.

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?