Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
You Might Also Like
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
i wish we could shoplift online
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”