Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
selfie game
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows