Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

HERE’S MARKY

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

Seems legit.

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat