Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Mission: Impossible
Oh yeah that’s it
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.