Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

just make the entire table out of coaster

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.

My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

Them: “ah just the guy I wanted to see”
My brain: well this can’t be good

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients