Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

always be there

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.

There’s No L.

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing