Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.