Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
my astrological sign is a french fry
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
