Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
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Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Pretty much. 🤣
My beach vacation Google searches
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.