Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

Wolves should really raise more people.

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend