[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
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Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I cannot stop laughing at this
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
181.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off