[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
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Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.