Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

*seductively corrects your posture*

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what