Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

something like this could probably happen to anyone

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off