Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
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I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
first responders? you mean reply guys?
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.