Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
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Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?