Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.