Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
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As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout