Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
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ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace