Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
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STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
dutch is not a serious language
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
they really wanted me dead for this
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard