Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
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Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///