@NewDadNotes

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

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@AbbyHasIssues

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

@SeiYoung83

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

@juneohara65

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

@DallyDoll

Gross. This salad tastes like pee and vegetables. Don’t ask me how I know what vegetables taste like.

@UnFitz

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

@_Water_Baby

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

@Breadery

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

@AimeeHelene1

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

@doguacate

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”