No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
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“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Gross. This salad tastes like pee and vegetables. Don’t ask me how I know what vegetables taste like.
And we’re still calling it auto “correct” because….
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”