Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
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[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
My boss called in sick of me
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.