Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
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My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh