(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
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bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside