(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
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Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first