Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!
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most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*