[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
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My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”