[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
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Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.