Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*

Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.