[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
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Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
The United Steaks of America
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.