[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
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Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I am, perchance
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Do not go gentle into that good night,
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.