Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

God, I love Scotland

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

You wish you had this many chins.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food