Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

peep davidson

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.