[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
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how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies