Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
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Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
the composer
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”