Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

So Hamburger help me, God

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.