Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
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8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
i just found this in my phone
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
This line from Airplane.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Breaking news:
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.