Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
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An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I used the label maker
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Unexpected Judgment
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.