Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
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I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Saw online –
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser