Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

They must have gotten it to go.

#parenting

new shirt idea

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.

Store clerk: Scotch?

Me: Even better.

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside