Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.