Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
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If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”