Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the best one I’ve seen

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

Dyslexics are teople poo!

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

The first matador

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”