Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

mood

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context