Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

multitasking lunch

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?