*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
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Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.