(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
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an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.