(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
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Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.