Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

For those that worship cheese..

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.